11 things you should never assume in las vegas

There can be quite a few misconceptions about Las Vegas and I’m sure I haven’t even heard them all. I thought I would provide y’all with a handy little guide of things that you should never assume while in Las Vegas. You know, just to help you out before you get here.

1. The girl you’re talking to is a tourist. Some of us local chicks can and do frequent The Strip.

 

2. The local girl you’re talking to is a prostitute or a stripper. Believe it or not, those aren’t the only two occupations for women in Las Vegas.

 

 

3. The dude buying you a drink at the bar, whether local or tourist, is single. Hahaha. It’s not funny. But it does happen.

 

 

4. The guy you’re buying coke from isn’t a cop.

 

 

5. The coke you’re buying from that guy is actually coke. (I think we all remember The Hangover??)

 

 

6. The cop you just walked by isn’t a drug dealer.

 

 

7. You’ve consumed enough water. Trust me…you have not.

 

 

8. You’re going to have a “mellow night out.” Again, hahahaha.

 

 

9. You don’t need to be on time for shows, clubs, reservations, etc. Just because “it’s Vegas” does not mean you can show up whenever you please. Failing to show up on time when it’s scheduled or reserved is not only rude, but I’ve seen people lose dinner reservations and club tables due to tardiness. Not to mention, if you’re on a guest list at a club and you show up too late, you won’t be getting in for free, if at all. Which brings me to…

 

 

10. You’re going to get into a club wearing jeans. Trust me you will not. As “trashy” as some people proclaim Vegas to be, a dress code is very much alive and well here. Please try to look like you didn’t just chug beer and cheap margs at the pool all day. Don’t be the one in the couple who shows up as a hot mess while the other is dressed to the nines. HUGE pet peeve of mine to see while out. Also guys…don’t wear white shoes to clubs. You won’t get in, I swear. Plus, dressing up is fun and the people who get all the attention are the ones who look the most presentable. Or have the biggest hair.

 

11. You will pay less than $15 for a drink most places on The Strip. Yeah you read that correctly, the average starting price is $15. The mixed drinks I end up purchasing usually hover in the $18-$20 range. Two years ago I found this absolutely ridiculous. Today, I’ve learned the importance of the pregame.

I hope you enjoyed some of the observations I’ve made on a fairly consistent basis. If I’ve provided a lesson, good. If I’ve provided a laugh, even better!

i put a spell on you, down on the bayou | bach week 5 commentary

Hey guys, I’m back with my Bach commentary! The last couple of weeks have felt a little chaotic and I couldn’t find the energy to even try to decipher all of these girls and their behaviors. Luckily, I was so thrilled for all the drama to unfold last night!

So this week we get to start off with a rose ceremony and a mild, albeit temporary, conclusion to the Corinne/Taylor drama. And I was MORE than ready for that!!

Just some more “you’re not emotionally intelligent,” “you’re a bully” nonsense, but it was hilarious to watch. Taylor, you literally need to stop talking. You have no room to talk about maturity or anything of the sort.

#TeamPrincessCorinne

It was brought to my attention on Twitter that Corinne is in fact older than Taylor. By a year. So there’s that.

Next we got to see the actual rose ceremony to conclude the group’s time in Nick’s hometown. I was thoroughly disappointed that Sarah Sneakers went home. She was clever and cute, but not much of a standout. Taylor’s immature ass should have gone home. Such is life on The Bach.

I think it was at this point that Corinne spoke my favorite quote of the night. I liked it so much that it is my new Twitter tag line.

 

“Come at me. I’ll getcha.” – Princess Corinne

 

So now we hightail it to NEW ORLEANS!! A city that I’ve been dying to visit. From the history, the voodoo, the beignets, it’s all so intriguing and magical. Literally.

Plus it’s given me an excuse to listen to “Louisiana Bayou” by Dave Matthews Band while I write this. Win-Win-Win.

It is revealed that we have a 1-on-1, a group date and DUN-DUN-DUN…the ever-dreaded 2-on-1. I bet producers NEVER thought we could guess who would be the lucky recipients of that one.

abc season 12 alex the bachelorette chad

[Sooo many Alex/Chad vibes from Jojo’s Bachelorette season. Remember kids, milk is delicious.]

My second favorite Rachel gets the 1-on-1 date and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. I was sooo jealous of their date: culture of the city, the jazz band, the beignets (duh). Best date of the entire franchise in my opinion. It made me want to book a flight so I could eat while also dancing in the middle of the street. And drink a Bloody Mary. Then again, I could always go for a Bloody.

Plus their chemistry is amazing. It was so refreshing to watch them together. She really is everything you could want in a partner. Is she still single??

Anyway…back at the ranch aka JW Marriott…

Of COURSE Corinne and Taylor are on the 2-on-1. OF FUCKING COURSE. YESS. (direct quote from last night – too good to edit.)

But first…Group Date time! In a haunted house! This episode only kept getting better. Like honestly, date of my dreams, I would be so on board with something like this.

But come onnn Producers, I see you with the special effects. How was it not obvious to the girls in the house? Whatever, at least it gave me a chance to refill my bowl of Thai curry.

Danielle M got the Enchanted Rose (sponsored by the new Beauty & The Beast movie! #ad.) And thank God she did because that definitely gave me some points in the Fantasy League.

The best part of this segment was hands-down the check-ins with Corinne and Taylor preparing for the 2-on-1 date.

Corinne: a face mask, bottle of Champs, bubble bath, room service. Yes this girl knows what’s up. Treat yo-self girl!

Taylor: Sitting on the floor, in front of a mirror, surrounded by candles and essential oils. Am I the only one who thought this looked like a seance?? She’s not only mean, she’s probably a witch.

Finally, we get to the part of the ep we have ALL been waiting for: the 2-on-1 date featuring round 2 of the Corinne/Taylor drama!!

So they’re going down on the bayou to do what?

*THIS IS THE PART WHERE ABC STOPPED WORKING AND THE CHANNEL SIGNAL WAS LOST AND I WAS DISTRAUGHT FOR 10 MINUTES*

Luckily for me, signal returned and all was right with the world. I tuned in at the part where the tarot card reader wanted to read the girls separately. So these girls, and Nick, are hanging out in the swamps, huh? I was secretly hoping Corinne would accidentally knock Taylor into the water.

More drama, more Nick stuck in the middle and, finally, a resolution. BYE TAYLOR!!

As Nick left her on an island, in the swamp, by herself ALA Ben leaving Olivia on a windy island, by herself. I cheered. I laughed at the similarities. But something in Taylor’s tone told me, she wasn’t done yet.

I found it very creepy that she was hanging out with the people around that bonfire. They were probably practicing some sort of voodoo or sacrificing a goat. Taylor seemed to be loving it all. It must have inspired her to go crash Corinne and Nick’s dinner.

Can you say Chad whistling while drunkenly stumbling through the woods?! I can. I just did.

And that’s when they hit us with the “To Be Continued…” Bastards. I can’t wait a whole week to find out what happens next. Especially since Nick alluded to sending TWO women home on the 2-on-1.

Are his words yet another victim of shady Bach editing or is it really true??

Either way…I am so not ready for Corinne to leave us yet. She has so much potential and needs to be given time to blossom.

Last night really was just the “Corinne & Taylor” show and I’m not even mad. I was getting a little snoozy with Nick and his mumbling and these girls who don’t seem to have much personality (not all, but most).

Congratulations Bachelor Producers you have me craving another episode already and it’s only Tuesday.

Until next week…

 

 

*Gifs from giphy*

the sexual politics of linkedin | cube chronicles #2

public speaking? understandable. but, like, how do you know that i excel in the microsoft office package?

I think we can all agree that dating in today’s society is one grand adventure. Or shit show, but I like to begin things on a positive note so let’s go with “grand adventure.”

Between Tinder, Bumble, Raya, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat DMs, it’s a much different world than we used to know. No more playing Capture The Flag with the neighborhood kids on summer nights and daring each other to kiss boys at the park. Sigh, the 90’s were so pure, so magical. No wonder chokers are back. Anyway…

I was talking to my bff Ashley (Nugget) about this new sensation that I began to take notice of recently:

“LinkedIn Stalking”

Guys, is this adulting? It sure as hell feels like it might be.

Our convo was all too juicy to NOT share. So let’s get into it…

LinkedIn stalking: when people you’ve dated, hooked up with, met in a bar on a night out, get your contact info and add you (aka stalk you) via LinkedIn.

Now, when you meet these random boys out at bars they may get your number, they may add you on Snap-a-roo, but they DEFINITELY find you on LinkedIn.

This would be a really beneficial tactic to ensure the person you’re talking to isn’t just a bum looking for a free ride as you climb the career ladder. However, LinkedIn brought the thing that we all secretly wished for on all of our other socials but definitely now regret to life. The “who viewed my profile” feature.

J: “Today I get on LinkedIn and I love that it tells you who looks at your profile because it informed me that PERSON A is now LinkedIn stalking me.”

Snapchat letting us know who viewed our story and giving us a “legit” reason to casually drunk Snap message any certain person is somehow acceptable (but, like, thank God that it is.) At the same time, it may be viewed as a little creepy if we LinkedIn Stalk the same person to make sure they still work for that prestigious company (and if they got promoted!)

A: “Let’s be professionally dysfunctional now because that’s the mature thing to do at this age.”

We concluded it’s hilarious that casual flings, dates, and random bar encounters add us on LinkedIn and then proceed to stalk us.

A: “What do they think I’m gonna do? Endorse them for a firm but gentle boob grip?”

Good question Nugg, good question. Talk about some “Hands-on experience.” (This is where the LinkedIn double entendres started and have not stopped. Be prepared.)

J: “Since it’s no longer socially acceptable to post passive aggressive song lyrics on FB, we might as well passive aggressively be professionally associated so that when I climb the ladder they (random dude in that random bar) can reach out for an employment op.” (Glass ceiling who?)

Our wheels started turning and at this point, we had a full-on analysis at hand.

A: “And maybe it’s so that they can use us as references for other girls they date? Like, ‘hey I shacked up with this girl back in the day and she’s an educated executive now so obviously I’m worth a shot.'”

And all those Gmail notifications. All. Of. Them.

“PERSON A has endorsed you on LinkedIn! Skill: ‘Extremely personable.’

‘Willing to roll up his sleeves and get his hands dirty.’

‘Team Player.’

‘Able to think quickly during high pressure situations.'”

See what we’re getting at here?

Not only is LinkedIn Stalking taking over my Gmail Social Folder, I’m beginning to think about my profile when I should be interacting with actual humans out in the actual world.

J: “Random bar boy #2 told me my accent was good so I figured that allowed me to put French with an ‘elementary proficiency’ on my LinkedIn profile.”

A: “Oooo put it as a skill I’ll endorse that shit…Bilingual”

J: “Works well with multi-cultural and diverse groups of people”

A: “At the same time….During a foursome”

So you see…we’ve entered a whole new world – minus the magic carpet. That boy or girl you meet in a bar may just find you on LinkedIn and repeatedly look at your profile. But at least they might endorse you for something cool! Like, hands on experience! Or something they have no clue your proficiency in, like me and my one college semester of French!

Facebook stalking remains the tried and true, ultimate stealth move so don’t fret there. Insta stalking causes anxiety of whether you’ll accidentally (or drunkenly) like that photo from 143 weeks ago. Twitter stalking is a rabbit hole in which you might accidentally retweet something (hi, been there. But, like, sorry you’re clever?)

LinkedIn stalking is the new way to say “Hey, I’m stalking you, but I’m actually an adult.” I guess, sometimes.

If I meet you in a bar and you find me on LinkedIn, at least endorse me for something cool. That will make up for all the profile views in the last 6 days.

With love and LinkedIn notifications,

Two very high functioning and professional adults

 

Dear Linda…We Need To Talk | Cube Chronicles #1

the phone in question…

By popular demand I bring you my trials, struggles and stories from behind the 3 1/2 walls of my office cube. Stay tuned, there’s some weird ones.

Introducing the inaugural “Cube Chronicles”: my issue with Linda


Dear Linda – whoever tf you are,

Hi there. I hope all is well for you this holiday season. My wish is that you have found all the necessary accessories to allow your gift-giving to go swimmingly. 2016 was a wacko year for all, and my prayer is that yours was only ridiculous and not tragic.

But here’s the deal…we need to talk.

Apparently you used to sit at my desk, or, possess the phone number that is now associated with my office phone. For that reason, I feel like we have a connection. I also feel that we are now close enough for me to ask you one question.

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!

Seriously, what did you do? Why are insurance collectors, insurance sellers and random unknown numbers calling my desk asking for you by name? Why do they desperately plead with me to put you on the phone and/or give up your location? Why are your bad decisions and unfortunate life experiences catching up to me when all I’m trying to do is entice tourists to come to Vegas so they can buy me free drinks…I mean help the local economy. Whatever.

This has been a ritual I’ve experienced at least three times per week for the last six months. Always an unexplained call from a strange Midwest number looking for “Linda”. Not to mention the confusion from the otherside of the phone when I a) am not Linda or b) have no idea about Linda’s whereabouts.

Maybe the better question is: What did I do in a past office life to deserve this? Did past me make loud, personal calls daily? I could see it from a past me, a stupid me. Either way, I’m confused.

Tell me baby girl, cuz I need to know.

I wanna know, I wanna know – where do we go, where do we go from here?

I don’t want to be sold insurance and I don’t want to be called in as a witness to an FBI investigation. If you needed someone to drive the getaway car or cover for you, you should have just Instagram’d me or arranged a secret meet up in a bar like they do in Ocean’s Eleven. Shit, even a carrier pigeon would have been easier.

So, would the real LINDA please stand up? That would be greeeeaaaatt.

Maybe you don’t know what you did. Maybe you woke up in an alternate universe and your phone is missing. Maybe you just really suck at changing your address. Regardless, I hope you see this and I hope you can get your life together so I don’t keep getting yelled at by this private investigator disguised as an insurance salesman.

Linda, I don’t need to be your friend…I just need answers.

Sincerely,

Distraught in the second cubicle from the back