nicknames / what did we get ourselves into? | bach week 1 recap

nick

The Bachelor is back and I’m happy to say that I’m SO much more pumped for this season than last. Maybe it’s because I was still dabbling with the show at this time last year? Or maybe Ben was not someone I could see myself being interested in? Either way, my excitement for last season cannot compare with the pure joy I felt when I tuned in on Monday night.

The first ep of the season is always somewhat of a shit show and this one did not disappoint. While I attempted to take notes on every girl that exited a limo, it got to a point where they all blended together. Hellloooo red dresses.

(If I go on this show I’m def going to make my own dress out of a Snuggie. Don’t think we didn’t notice how long the first night went on producers. I saw those girls leave at sunrise and I’m allll about a mid-party nap.)

The show began with that obnoxious backstory about Nick, his “journey for love” and optimistic “Fourth time’s the charm!” rhetoric. If I had been on this show three times before, I probably would just give up and go start a tequila company. Or just sell it on Instagram. Additionally, if I were one of these girls I would wonder why Nick has been rejected…twice.

Next we had some mingling, some drinking, some Nick-stealing and crazy already starting to appear. It made me giddy like Christmas morning and we hadn’t even had a Rose Ceremony yet, which came next.

To be honest, I don’t pay attention to ALL of the girls for the first couple weeks. There are too many and I’m not trying to get emotionally invested in someone who’s leaving right away.

That being said, I don’t feel confident enough in my bracket to present a Top Four – I haven’t even made my final four picks on my Bach Fantasy League yet (yeah, I know) – but I will present you with the girls I put under the  “YES” category aka the “they will remain on the show long enough for their baggage and drama-causing tendencies to appear” category.

YES:

Rachel – Dallas Lawyer – Love her! She’s strong, independent AND she got the FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE! YASS! The connection between the two was palpable at first sight and their chemistry is going to be AMAZING. However, she’s not my top pick. Which brings me to…

Vanessa – Canada #1, Special Needs Teacher This girl is amazing and I think she’s there for the right reasons (lol – I definitely would not be, but whatever) I appreciate her for being everything I am not. She’s compassionate, heartfelt and speaks French, Italian and English. Ok. She’s my top pick for the whole shebang and word on the street is she’s the front-runner.

Liz – Stalker Vegas Girl From The Past!  I think Nick might be slightly butt-hurt over her and wants to see where it will go. I predict she goes “Vegas-Crazy,” which I am looking forward to.

Corinne – Princess Nanny Girl A 25 year old “business owner” with a NANNY. SHE. STILL. HAS. A. NANNY. The Princess will stick around forever AND be the first to put out. She annoys me, but I appreciate her aggressiveness. This is going to be goooood. But in all honestly, please go home.

Josephine -Psycho Wiener Girl The following is what I wrote about this girl: 24, Santa Cruz, Nursing Student, CRAZY BITCH. I think that covers it all.

Dominique – – She has no nickname yet because I don’t even remember meeting her, but apparently I liked her. Stay tuned.

Hailey – With The Good Joke, Canada #2 – I loved her “girls with no underwear” joke so much that I practically spit out my wine. Which rarely happens. That is all.

Alexis – MOTHAFUCKIN DOLPHIN SHARK – Alexis is from Jersey and doesn’t understand the difference between a shark and a dolphin. But that doesn’t matter because she seems like an absolute blast. I love a Jersey girl who gets drunk and jumps in the pool on the first night. So, like, same. I also noted that she has a “cute dog”. Also winner of:

*Best Job Title – “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer”

Taylor – Maybe Stop Talking? – A Johns Hopkins educated Mental Health Counselor. (LORD KNOWS this show could use a few of those.) She lives in Seattle and she seemed smart until…SHE TOLD HIM THAT HER FRIENDS HATE HIM. *Pro Tip: Don’t say that when you first meet him. Don’t say that ever. Maybe Stop Talking?

Sarah- Sneakers – entered by saying that she was “another runner up”. Love her sense of humor.

Danielle M – Quiet Tennessee She grew on me as the episode went on, but I’m not sure how long she will last. Maybe Nick needs a quieter girl to balance out his ego. And she’s a nurse so if he pulls a muscle while working out she could probably take care of the issue. Or would he need an athletic trainer for that? IDK. *Side Note: It took 87% of this episode for me to figure out her actual, given name.

Raven – Arkansas – Raven is 25. Raven is from Arkansas and owns a clothing boutique. Raven is as southern as they come. I want to bring her to Vegas and party with her. Oh, and I’m guessing she’ll be Top 10.

Danielle L – L’Nails – She owns three nail salons which is cool. I honestly got so confused since there are two of them. Carry on…

My Favorites:

Rachel Dallas Lawyer, Vanessa Canada #1, Liz Stalker Vegas Girl From The Past!, Alexis MOTHAFUCKIN DOLPHIN SHARK, Taylor Maybe Stop Talking?, Sarah Sneakers, Raven Arkansas, Danielle M Quiet Tennessee, Danielle L’Nails

 

WHO I’M UNSURE OF:

Christen, Astrid, Elizabeth W, Jasmine G, Christina, Whitney, Jamie, Brittany

*None of these girls have nicknames yet. Please stay tuned.*

WHO WENT HOME:

I honestly have no idea. I’m a terrible recap-er. But at this point does it really mater??

FINAL FOUR:

Rachel

Vanessa

Liz Stalker Vegas Girl From The Past!

No Clue Yet

*Conclusions:

1. This is going to be a very sexual season. Brace yourselves because these girls (and Nick) reaaalllllyyy like sex. Really. Nick even wants to give America a “happy ending”…need I say more?

2. I can’t wait to see what Liz Stalker Vegas Girl From The Past! says and does. Plus how Nick will handle all that jazz. And by “jazz” I mean “Vegas-Crazy.”

3. Why is Chris Soules still appearing and giving advice? Wasn’t he the terrible one? Correct me if I’m wrong.

4. Maybe the reason I started out disliking Nick so much is because our dating lives look eerily similar. Hmm.

 

It’s going to be one hell of a season and I’m so relieved that I get to watch it from the comfort of my couch, portable phone charger and wine glass in hand. : )

Until next time Bach Nation,

 

phot0: e! online / gif: giphy

yes this list includes closer | best music of 2016 link up!

Helene in Between

 

I’m so excited to be linking up with Helene In Between for a 2016 recap. Today, I’m looking back on what were my favorite and what I consider to be the best songs of the last year. I’m over the “Worst Of” lists so you won’t find those picks here. No one has time for that negativity!

Taking into consideration the playlists I made, the songs that bring up good memories throughout the year, what was popular on Spotify and my Top Songs of the Year on Spotify is how I came up with this list.

*Disclaimers & Conclusions*

  1. I didn’t take music too seriously this year. If I liked an artist or song, then I listened to them. That being said, this was my year to listen to really fun, upbeat, party music including a lot of mainstream, dance-y EDM and hip-hop/rap. So not as much indie/hipster/chill music as I’ve listened to in the past.
  2. I finally discovered what was so appealing about Drake.
  3. And I stopped hating Kanye once and for all. What a time to be alive.

So here we go!


*SINGLES*

EDM –

Roses – The Chainsmokers – Even though this song came out in July 2015, everyone included it on their end of the year/best of lists. It’s honestly one of my favorite songs of all time and it never fails to put me in the best mood.

Closer – The Chainsmokers – yeah, I know everyone thinks it’s overplayed at this point BUT IT IS SO GOOD. If you’ve been following the duo on Snapchat, they’ve been sharing tiny snipets of this track since JANUARY. And if you were like me, you were dying for the full song. Whether you had been eagerly anticipating this one or it was love at first listen – we can all agree this was truly the song of Summer 2016.

Inside Out – The Chainsmokers – easily the most underrated song by these guys.

All We Know / Don’t Let Me Down – The Chainsmokers

My Way – Calvin Harris – I feel like this was a little bit of TSwift shade. And I liked it.

This Is What You Came For – Calvin Harris – I don’t know if it was because I was ready for a new Calvin track or because I finally saw him at OMNIA. Either way…here we are.

Is It Love – [3LAU] – I still love this song – another of my summer soundtracks by one of my favorite producers. I can’t wait to see what he brings out this year!

Take My Breath Away – Alesso – After seeing him live last year, I concluded he is very underrated.

Heading Home – Gryffin – I LOVE GRYFFIN!! So hard. In fact, my #2 most listened to song of 2016 was a remix he did that came out in 2015 – (Desire by Years & Years) – check it out!!

Anywhere – Dillon Francis

Fakin It (featuring Ofelia K) – Kaskade – If you know me, you know that Kaskade is my absolute fave. He can honestly do no wrong in my book.

Only – Kaskade x Lipless Remix – RY X / US – Extended Mix – Kaskade & CID 

Sweet Memories – CID & Kaskade – I love CID. He was on Kaskade’s track “Us” and ever since then I’ve been a fan. I’m excited to see what he creates next.

Talk – DJ Snake – I didn’t realize how much I listened to this track in 2016 (#3 on my Top Songs of the Year). This was a good song to transition us into Summer.

Middle / Let Me Love You – DJ Snake

Pillow Fight – Galantis – A late drop date in 2016. I wasn’t really a fan of the music they released during the last year, but this song was different. I think it represents the heart and soul of this duo. It feels like a nod to my fave and very first track of theirs – “You”.

Summer – Marshmello – When this song comes out in January and all you want is a summer pool party and a Patron Tequila Sunrise 😑🤔

In The Name of Love – Martin Garrix & Bebe Rexha 

Light – San Holo – I don’t really know where this one came from, but it struck me immediately. It’s lighthearted (lol) and feel good.

All I Ever Wanted – Michael Brun featuring Louie – I know…it’s from the XOXO soundtrack, but it’s so CATCHY. And my friends made it into the movie, so that’s cool too.

Higher – Jauz

Say It (featuring Tove Lo) – Flume

The Right Song – Tiesto – Tiesto has a way of producing music that makes you want to dance and party til sunrise in Vegas 😏

Rap/Hip-Hop – 

Black Beatles – Rae Sremmurd – I was sooo late to this phenom. I started listening to the song right before Thanksgiving – enough that it ended up in my Top Songs of the Year. I’m still obsessed and can already rap 87% of the track. Stay tuned for my mixtape this summer. Kidding…maybe.

Young N***a Living – A$AP Ferg, A$AP Ant, A$AP Twelvyy – This gem caught my ear from A$AP Mob’s “Cozy Tapes: Vol. 1 Friends” released on Halloween. Such a good track.

One Dance – Drake

Pop Style – Drake – the version before he took off Jay and Ye.

Too Good – Drake & Rihanna

Kiss It Better – Rihanna – one of the only tracks on her new album that I enjoyed.

Pop –

Love Myself – Hailee Steinfeld – This was my anthem during the first half of the year and instantly puts me in a better mood.

Ain’t My Fault – Zara Larsson – A good party song for when you stopped giving all the fucks. 👍🏻😁

Send My Love (To Your New Lover) / When We Were Young / Water Under The Bridge – Adele – so much better than that Hello song.

Make Me… – Britney Spears featuring G-Eazy – I’ve always been a Britney girl and G-Eazy is one of my fave rappers.

Into You – Ariana Grande – Sometimes your spin teacher plays this song and it just hits you where it’s supposed to. This song always gets me going.

Side to Side – Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj 

Alarm – Anne-Marie

All In My Head (Flex) – Fifth Harmony – Try not to sing along. I dare you.

Misc –

Waste A Moment – Kings of Leon – I love Kings of Leon. Their best songs create a sense of crave-able longing while giving us sunshine whiskey and the feeling of California soul. This track is a perfect example of that vibe.

Carpet / Capsize – FRENSHIP –  I saw them live in November and they were so much fun. I’m excited by what this group has released so far and I can’t wait to see what the future brings for them.

Lost Weekend – Pete Yorn – I always listen to this song when I drive to California. This tune just sounds like summer and adventures.

All We Ever Knew – The Head and The Heart

Choke – King Charles – A random track I found and instantly connected with one day.

Ophelia – The Lumineers – This band has a special place in my heart. I love that they bring a vintage feel and a unique sound to the charts that seem to sound very similar these days.

Friends – Francis and The Lights featuring Bon Iver & Kanye West]

*ALBUMS*

i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it – The 1975 – Honestly, so in love with this album. I was pleasantly surprised by this band’s second full-length project. Fave Tracks – A Change of Heart, She’s American, Please Be Naked, Somebody Else, Loving Someone, i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it, The Sound, This Must Be My Dream, Paris, UGH!

The Life of Pablo – Kanye West – Ugh. I have always had such a love/hate relationship with Yeezus. And to start this year, I was not loving him so much. But then this ablum was released and my love for him has officially been solidified. I’m a firm believer in the fact that you can’t hate someone or something that you understand, and I finally understand him. Fave Tracks – Ultralight Beam, Father Stretch My Hands Pt. 1, Famous, Freestyle 4, Waves, Real Friends, Wolves, Facts (Charlie Heat Version), Fade

Coloring Book – Chance The Rapper – Another one of my summer soundtracks. Chance is going places and I’m thrilled to be along for the journey. Fave Tracks – All We Got, No Problem, Summer Friends, Same Drugs, Smoke Break, Blessings

Passion, Pain & Demon Slayin’ – Kid Cudi – I see you Kid Cudi comin’ in hot with that late December release SIDE EYE. This whole album sounds like deep, dark, velvet opium-less opium den sex. It’s fantastic…trust me. Fave Tracks – Swim In The Light, Releaser, By Design, All In, ILLusions, Does It, Distant Fantasies, Surfin’

When It’s Dark Out – G-Eazy – Even though the album was released late last year, this was G-Eazy’s year to blow up. The world got to see what a lot of us have been loving for years and I’m definitely not mad about it. Fave Tracks – Random, One Of Them, Drifting, Of All Things, Calm Down, You Got Me, Everything Will Be OK

California – blink-182 – So stoked to finally have some new blink, even if Tom DeLonge is really never coming back. Regardless, I’m forever a blink-lover and did I mention they’re nominated for a Grammy? This album is the perfect mix of upbeat pop-punk, old school blink reminiscent and even includes one of those sad yet satisfying songs. Oh blink, I have missed you. Fave Tracks – Cynical, Bored To Death, She’s Out Of Her Mind, No Future, Home Is Such A Lonely Place, Left Alone, San Diego, California

Joanne – Lady Gaga – Oh. My. Hell. I absolutely love Lady Gaga and I knew there was something special about her from those “Just Dance” days. She has an amazing voice and if you’ve listened to her album with Tony Bennett, you know she’s talented. This album was a perfect progression and a refreshing look at her as a singer/songwriter. Fave Tracks – Diamond Heart, A-YO, Joanne, John Wayne, Dancin’ In Circles, Million Reasons, Sinner’s Prayer, Hey Girl

The Weight of These Wings – Miranda Lambert – This girl is amazing and this album was something I didn’t even know I needed. I appreciate the fact that she knows she’s not perfect. I love that she turns her mistakes into beautiful life lessons through song. This album was overall refreshing. Fave Tracks – Runnin’ Just In Case, Highway Vagabond, Pink Sunglasses, Getaway Driver, Vice, Good Ol’ Days, Keeper of the Flame, I’ve Got Wheels

So that was my 2016 in music. There were definitely some gems that I will continue to play this year (because we ain’t ever getting older)!

Here is a link to my full Top Songs of 2016 on Spotify!

What music made up the soundtrack to your 2016? I’m always looking for new music and would love suggestions!

 

4th time’s the charm? | BACHELOR IS BACK!

nick-viall-the-bachelor-promo-1479222497-compressed
this photo makes me nauseous

In case you didn’t know this about me, I have a confession:

I, Jessica Lynn Oneida, am a member of Bachelor Nation. I go to Spin on Monday nights and then rush home to make a protein smoothie and pour a glass of wine. I grab my portable phone charger and my laptop. All so I can watch, review and live tweet this beautifully chaotic disaster of a TV show.

One of my roommates in college introduced me to the show. We watched during the guy that looked like Francine from Arthur’s season. For real.

Then I kind of forgot about the show until last January when I picked it back up again. I found myself avoiding social media on Monday afternoons so as to not ruin the episode and then eagerly live tweeting the show when it finally aired on the West Coast.

I made new Twitter follower friends by just using the Bachelor hashtags. It was fun, it was cool and it was a way for me to forget about the stresses of my job.

By the end of that season, I was hooked and of course tuned in for Jojo’s Bachelorette season and Bachelor in Paradise. BIP is where I was first introduced our new Bachelor, Nick Viall.

Sure, he’s cute, but is he really Bachelor material? In my opinion, no. Why? Because I’m over the fact that this is his fourth go in a Bachelor-franchise show and he’s still here. I was hoping for a Robbie or a Luke Bachelor season, but from observation I’ve learned that Nick is a clear Bachelor fave. And of course my trash, reality withdrawals have set in so you know I’ll be tuning in! Such is life.

I haven’t done any prior research into the contestants this year so this will have to suffice as my “preview” piece. But you can bet that I will post a reaction/recap of the premiere on Wednesday.

(Tomorrow I’m doing a link up post with Helene in Between to recap my fave music of 2016!!)

Congratulations Bachelor Nation! We made it! It’s time! Come join me on Twitter (@jessica_oneida), I’ll be live tweeting as much as I can!

 

*photo from: US WEEKLY

chaotic christmas travel & the word of 2017

As I reflected on 2016, I noticed a theme throughout my year:

Lots of action, not much actual progress.

I felt like I was on one of those child’s spinner toys where you sit down and spin yourself around while only staying in the same place. That’s how I describe my 2016 experience, spinning around in circles, moving a lot and never really going anywhere. Action without progress.

This year – 2017 – the plan is to take action and make it progressive action. Because, what’s the point of moving if you’re never really going anywhere??

And I’m taking my chaotic travel day as a good inauguration to this year and theme I’m going for.

If you follow me on Twitter or Snap (@jessicalynnn12), you’ll know about my holiday travel luck and how I have none. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, visiting #Idahome has been quite the ridiculous process the last couple of months.

Delayed flights, sketchy airport hotel rooms, more delayed flights – and that’s just from the Thanksgiving fiasco. Traveling home for Christmas was just as crazy. High winds and mechanical problems caused me to miss my connecting flight to my small, hometown airport. So my fantastic father, Patricio, volunteered to drive the 2 1/2 hours to Salt Lake City at 1am to retrieve me.

Today, I traveled back to Las Vegas and, as is my pattern, there were delays. To begin with, my flight out of Pocatello was delayed 4 1/2 hours because of mechanical problems yet again. This meant I was going to miss my connection to Vegas. I was booked on a later flight and then was faced with a decision: wait and take my chances with this Pocatello plane or drive down to Salt Lake and ensure that I would make the later flight.

The breakdown…

Option 1 – waiting and taking my chances sure seemed very similar to the theme of 2016. It meant sitting on that toy, spinning in circles and letting life happen to me. Not very proactive or progressive.

Option 2 – not just action, but progressive action. Take matters into our own hands and make sure I was on that flight.

Patricio didn’t even hesitate when we decided to choose Option 2 and I’m so glad we were on the same page.

By choosing progressive action, we made it to Salt Lake with plenty of time to spare. The roads were clear and my trek through security was a breeze – even though they decided my hair need a full-on pat down, which is actually hilarious. I made it back to Vegas without needing to stay the night in a sketchy-ass airport hotel.

I’m choosing to look at the whole experience as a good sign of things to come this year. I’m excited for a year of not just action, but progressive action. No more nauseating spinning toys for me!

Bring it on 2017! Let’s make shit happen!

2016 – lessons from the highlights and the low lights

 

If you have been at least 5% aware of the Internet over the last month, then you’ve seen the “2016 is the worst/weirdest year ever” memes. Maybe you’ve even been guilty of proclaiming the same sentiment yourself. I know I have and at the same time, I’m quickly getting annoyed at myself for thinking this way.

 

So I’m going back to the lesson from the whole Starbucks Hacking fiasco

 

“It’s not what happens…it’s how you handle it.”

 

2016 has been interesting both personally and in a greater sense. We’ve seen unexpected celebrity deaths, weird political drama and many other things that might have generally sucked.

 

Personally, it was a pretty decent year. I started tanning in February and, thanks to the Vegas weather, I avoided the usual seasonal depression. Which was both surprising and refreshing.

 

  • I found my stride at work.
  • I got more settled into Vegas life and met some pretty cool people. I also met some pretty terrible people, but, whatever.

    sheri is one of those cool people ❤
  • I traveled to LA for the best two Kaskade shows of my life and met some amazing friends in the process.
  • I danced in clubs until they kicked us out and ate breakfast with random dudes from Texas.
  • I went to both a beach club and a nightclub in one day two times this year. The first time was fine. The second time I was drunk for 12 hours and had to go to work the next day.

    the best memorial day we’ve ever had
  • I attended my very first EDC after dreaming about it for the last 6 years. It was chaotic and amazing.
  • I experienced my first Vegas summer which included multiple 115 degree days.
  • I listened to “Closer” by The Chainsmokers enough times that it made it to the top of my most listened to list on Spotify.
  • I snapchatted “Closer” by The Chainsmokers enough times that people still snap me when they hear it out and about.
  • I ventured out to Minnesota to watch my oldest friend get married. It got wild in the best way.
    photo by: KELLY JO PHOTO
  • I celebrated my first year living in Vegas.
  • I attended my first Life is Beautiful festival in downtown Las Vegas and learned the beauty of serendipity.
  • I saw two movies by myself and enjoyed every minute.
  • I saw The 1975 for the second time and they absolutely killed it.
  • I ran my third half marathon and it was mentally my toughest race yet.

Throughout everything that I experienced this year, I learned some important things. Most importantly, I truly stopped letting whatever other people thought get in the way of me doing absolutely everything I wanted.

 

While these are just a few of the highlights, there were plenty of lows as well. I could have let the lows overshadow all the good things in my year, but I chose to handle them differently. I didn’t want what happened to control my outlook – I wanted how I handle the bad things to shape they way things turned out. And overall, I think I succeeded and found ways to improve along the way.

 

So here’s to the chaotic year that was. I’m looking forward to the fresh start on the calendar. I’m excited to see what the next 365 will bring.

 

2017 let’s goooo!!
 

 

9 november 2016 | prose

I wrote this on November 9th and I felt called to share it with the world. Not a statement at all, just something to remember. After all the chaos of this year and the current crisis in Aleppo, I feel now more than ever that we need some hope. Love your neighbor as yourself, we are all human. ❤


Choose love

Always choose love

Do not succumb to fear

For fear is the absence of love

Choose positivity

Always strive for positivity

Stand up to negativity

For negativity can suck the soul from your drive

Choose open-mindedness

Always choose an open mind

Do not allow your mind to shut down

For a closed mind and a closed heart block progress and divide us from each other

Blocks us from love

Blocks us from positivity

But the greatest one to strive for

Of all of these

is love

forever & always

xxx

Dear Linda…We Need To Talk | Cube Chronicles #1

the phone in question…

By popular demand I bring you my trials, struggles and stories from behind the 3 1/2 walls of my office cube. Stay tuned, there’s some weird ones.

Introducing the inaugural “Cube Chronicles”: my issue with Linda


Dear Linda – whoever tf you are,

Hi there. I hope all is well for you this holiday season. My wish is that you have found all the necessary accessories to allow your gift-giving to go swimmingly. 2016 was a wacko year for all, and my prayer is that yours was only ridiculous and not tragic.

But here’s the deal…we need to talk.

Apparently you used to sit at my desk, or, possess the phone number that is now associated with my office phone. For that reason, I feel like we have a connection. I also feel that we are now close enough for me to ask you one question.

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!

Seriously, what did you do? Why are insurance collectors, insurance sellers and random unknown numbers calling my desk asking for you by name? Why do they desperately plead with me to put you on the phone and/or give up your location? Why are your bad decisions and unfortunate life experiences catching up to me when all I’m trying to do is entice tourists to come to Vegas so they can buy me free drinks…I mean help the local economy. Whatever.

This has been a ritual I’ve experienced at least three times per week for the last six months. Always an unexplained call from a strange Midwest number looking for “Linda”. Not to mention the confusion from the otherside of the phone when I a) am not Linda or b) have no idea about Linda’s whereabouts.

Maybe the better question is: What did I do in a past office life to deserve this? Did past me make loud, personal calls daily? I could see it from a past me, a stupid me. Either way, I’m confused.

Tell me baby girl, cuz I need to know.

I wanna know, I wanna know – where do we go, where do we go from here?

I don’t want to be sold insurance and I don’t want to be called in as a witness to an FBI investigation. If you needed someone to drive the getaway car or cover for you, you should have just Instagram’d me or arranged a secret meet up in a bar like they do in Ocean’s Eleven. Shit, even a carrier pigeon would have been easier.

So, would the real LINDA please stand up? That would be greeeeaaaatt.

Maybe you don’t know what you did. Maybe you woke up in an alternate universe and your phone is missing. Maybe you just really suck at changing your address. Regardless, I hope you see this and I hope you can get your life together so I don’t keep getting yelled at by this private investigator disguised as an insurance salesman.

Linda, I don’t need to be your friend…I just need answers.

Sincerely,

Distraught in the second cubicle from the back