i put a spell on you, down on the bayou | bach week 5 commentary

Hey guys, I’m back with my Bach commentary! The last couple of weeks have felt a little chaotic and I couldn’t find the energy to even try to decipher all of these girls and their behaviors. Luckily, I was so thrilled for all the drama to unfold last night!

So this week we get to start off with a rose ceremony and a mild, albeit temporary, conclusion to the Corinne/Taylor drama. And I was MORE than ready for that!!

Just some more “you’re not emotionally intelligent,” “you’re a bully” nonsense, but it was hilarious to watch. Taylor, you literally need to stop talking. You have no room to talk about maturity or anything of the sort.

#TeamPrincessCorinne

It was brought to my attention on Twitter that Corinne is in fact older than Taylor. By a year. So there’s that.

Next we got to see the actual rose ceremony to conclude the group’s time in Nick’s hometown. I was thoroughly disappointed that Sarah Sneakers went home. She was clever and cute, but not much of a standout. Taylor’s immature ass should have gone home. Such is life on The Bach.

I think it was at this point that Corinne spoke my favorite quote of the night. I liked it so much that it is my new Twitter tag line.

 

“Come at me. I’ll getcha.” – Princess Corinne

 

So now we hightail it to NEW ORLEANS!! A city that I’ve been dying to visit. From the history, the voodoo, the beignets, it’s all so intriguing and magical. Literally.

Plus it’s given me an excuse to listen to “Louisiana Bayou” by Dave Matthews Band while I write this. Win-Win-Win.

It is revealed that we have a 1-on-1, a group date and DUN-DUN-DUN…the ever-dreaded 2-on-1. I bet producers NEVER thought we could guess who would be the lucky recipients of that one.

abc season 12 alex the bachelorette chad

[Sooo many Alex/Chad vibes from Jojo’s Bachelorette season. Remember kids, milk is delicious.]

My second favorite Rachel gets the 1-on-1 date and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. I was sooo jealous of their date: culture of the city, the jazz band, the beignets (duh). Best date of the entire franchise in my opinion. It made me want to book a flight so I could eat while also dancing in the middle of the street. And drink a Bloody Mary. Then again, I could always go for a Bloody.

Plus their chemistry is amazing. It was so refreshing to watch them together. She really is everything you could want in a partner. Is she still single??

Anyway…back at the ranch aka JW Marriott…

Of COURSE Corinne and Taylor are on the 2-on-1. OF FUCKING COURSE. YESS. (direct quote from last night – too good to edit.)

But first…Group Date time! In a haunted house! This episode only kept getting better. Like honestly, date of my dreams, I would be so on board with something like this.

But come onnn Producers, I see you with the special effects. How was it not obvious to the girls in the house? Whatever, at least it gave me a chance to refill my bowl of Thai curry.

Danielle M got the Enchanted Rose (sponsored by the new Beauty & The Beast movie! #ad.) And thank God she did because that definitely gave me some points in the Fantasy League.

The best part of this segment was hands-down the check-ins with Corinne and Taylor preparing for the 2-on-1 date.

Corinne: a face mask, bottle of Champs, bubble bath, room service. Yes this girl knows what’s up. Treat yo-self girl!

Taylor: Sitting on the floor, in front of a mirror, surrounded by candles and essential oils. Am I the only one who thought this looked like a seance?? She’s not only mean, she’s probably a witch.

Finally, we get to the part of the ep we have ALL been waiting for: the 2-on-1 date featuring round 2 of the Corinne/Taylor drama!!

So they’re going down on the bayou to do what?

*THIS IS THE PART WHERE ABC STOPPED WORKING AND THE CHANNEL SIGNAL WAS LOST AND I WAS DISTRAUGHT FOR 10 MINUTES*

Luckily for me, signal returned and all was right with the world. I tuned in at the part where the tarot card reader wanted to read the girls separately. So these girls, and Nick, are hanging out in the swamps, huh? I was secretly hoping Corinne would accidentally knock Taylor into the water.

More drama, more Nick stuck in the middle and, finally, a resolution. BYE TAYLOR!!

As Nick left her on an island, in the swamp, by herself ALA Ben leaving Olivia on a windy island, by herself. I cheered. I laughed at the similarities. But something in Taylor’s tone told me, she wasn’t done yet.

I found it very creepy that she was hanging out with the people around that bonfire. They were probably practicing some sort of voodoo or sacrificing a goat. Taylor seemed to be loving it all. It must have inspired her to go crash Corinne and Nick’s dinner.

Can you say Chad whistling while drunkenly stumbling through the woods?! I can. I just did.

And that’s when they hit us with the “To Be Continued…” Bastards. I can’t wait a whole week to find out what happens next. Especially since Nick alluded to sending TWO women home on the 2-on-1.

Are his words yet another victim of shady Bach editing or is it really true??

Either way…I am so not ready for Corinne to leave us yet. She has so much potential and needs to be given time to blossom.

Last night really was just the “Corinne & Taylor” show and I’m not even mad. I was getting a little snoozy with Nick and his mumbling and these girls who don’t seem to have much personality (not all, but most).

Congratulations Bachelor Producers you have me craving another episode already and it’s only Tuesday.

Until next week…

 

 

*Gifs from giphy*

if you can’t take the drama, get tf off the show! | bach week 2 recap

Heyyyy Bach Nation!

The only song that has been playing in my head this week whenever I think about The Bachelor is “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back).” Maybe it’s because they have a residency in Vegas at Planet Hollywood this Spring/Summer (see you there!). Maybe it’s because I’m doing a project at work that features the boys. Either way I’m still so happy to have BACH back on my TV.

WEEK 2! I COULD NOT wait to get the drama started and this week did not disappoint!


First Date Card: “Always a bridesmaid…”

Ok so we’re doing a little multi-theme wedding photo shoot. Not awkward at all after knowing these girls for a rather booze-filled 12 hours. I do love watching these dates, however, because they give us a glimpse into how these girls react in competitive scenarios.

Here are my notes/thoughts on the date:

Vanessa Canada #1 – 80s Wedding – She’s classy and I think she has staying power.

 

Sarah Sneakers – Vegas Elopement Wedding – LOL! Vegas…

 

ABC Network episode 2 abc nick the bachelor
shout out vegas weddings! lol. had to.
Alexis MOTHAFUCKIN DOLPHIN SHARK – Shotgun Wedding – SHE’S HILARIOUS. This girl is someone I could be friends with, which also tells me she won’t last very long.

 

Hailey Canada #2 – Biker Wedding – She’s annoying. Apparently, I have no grounds to back that up, but whatevs.

 

Lacey – Real Exciting. Obvi. Glad she thinks Nanny Girl is inaprops. Was she a bridesmaid? There are still too many girls to keep track of at this point.

 

Brittany Spears – Adam & Eve Theme – I am hereby naming her “Brittany Spears” because I couldn’t get over how hot she was while also reminding me of the “I’m A Slave 4 U” video. Good Hair HOT AF. This is the best. This is my fave. She should have won. Her body, her hair…freakin GOALS man. Editor’s Note: Looking back, I don’t disagree with myself.

 

Jasmine G – Bridesmaid in the 80s Wedding. Kissed Nick as a bridesmaid. (Side note: did not know how to spell “bridesmaid” before last night.)

 

Raven Arkansas – Bridesmaid – Bonding over the fact they’ve both been cheated on. She’s the best. She’s honest, sassy and funny. Got the glitter off his nose and I really appreciate that she looks out for her people like that.

 

Danielle L’Nails – Traditional Wedding – She is GORG.

 

Taylor Maybe Stop Talking? – Princess Wedding – Gag me with a spork. From Taco Bell. Not because she isn’t pretty, but because I hate the whole “princess wedding” theme. And because I could realllly go for a Chalupa right now.

 

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: “I’ve met girls like Corinne before…and they are not my friends.”

 

Elizabeth W – Bridesmaid – That’s all I wrote.

 

Corinne Princess Nanny Girl – Beach Wedding Theme – Even though she was the last to have her photo shoot, she surely was not going to be least. She’s already extremely possessive over Nick and could already feel the competition creeping in on her territory as she watched the other girls take pictures and make out with “her” man. What’s a Princess Nanny Girl to do? Apparently, take her top off. Which worked in her favor. Are we surprised?

Maybe she thinks she’s on a Tinder date? Could that be the reason she’s already half naked in a pool? I mean, it makes sense if you think about it.

Not to mention how she’s already winning villain points by interrupting both the MOTHAFUCKIN DOLPHIN SHARK and Taylor Maybe Stop Talking?.

But then to our surprise, Taylor Maybe Stop Talking? steals Nick back from Nanny Girl!!

ABC Network episode 2 abc the bachelor bachelor
she’s not wrong…

I’m loving this drama. LOVING it. I love her drunk-y pants gallivanting all over this date. I love her poor attempt at a Gossip Girl reference, but, like, maybe stop trying to make fetch happen?

This girl is dramatic, cringe-y and makes for some damn good television, so I’m not mad. Keep in mind, she’s going to bring the spice for the first few weeks until she turns stale and boring like a gluten-free bagel that hasn’t been properly stored. Then she’ll be kicked off, cry and, of course, show up on paradise while simultaneously promoting Skinny Tea on Instagram, running that million dollar business and requesting cucumber snacks from her Nanny.

And, surprise, surprise she gets the rose. Lesson learned: If you want to win, take your top off.

Ok moving on…
—————————————–
First One on One: “Our relationship is about to take off” aka… A Helicopter ride to a yacht

 

With my new fave: Danielle M Quiet Tennessee

 

I think this girl is an absolute angel – she’s cute, she’s so nice and apparently from Nick’s hometown. Small world eh?

 

I loved that Nick was mind-blown over the hot tub, on the yacht, in the ocean. (First HOT TUB of the season!)

 

ABC Network episode 2 abc the bachelor bachelor
long live hot tubs!
Danielle opens up about her ex-fiance whom she found dead from a drug overdose. This girl seems strong (how could you not be after that?) and very genuine.

 

Final notes on the date:
-She got a rose.
-She’s my new fave.
-Her hair color is pretty.
—————————————–
Date Card #3 (Group Date): “We need to talk…”

 

At the Museum of Broken Relationships…? A little awkward don’tcha think?

 

And their date is to publicly breakup with Nick? I think this is what we call a sadist.

 

Disclaimer: I did start switching between The Bach and the Bama game at this point – so I might have missed some things. However, I did NOT miss the awkward breakups in front of a live audience, that all-too real slap AND the Liz confession!

 

Christen – This girl is super adorable and I like her a lot. Her breakup was sassy, but not a standout.

 

Astrid Karate Chop – She karate chopped a rose. Was that a karate chop? I was distracted by the Bama loss 😦

 

Jaimi – Has a septum ring. And an ex-girlfriend!

 

Kristina Teeth – Reminds you to floss! Or you’ll get dumped!

 

Josephine Psycho Wiener Girl – Mmk. Was it just me or did this seem a little TOO real? Like maybe she’s been in a scenario like this before? I mean she actually SLAPPED him. The “psycho” portion of her nickname still stands.

 

ABC Network episode 2 abc nick slap
i now have genuine concern
Liz Stalker Vegas Girl From The Past! – Oh. Hell. Their time together in this museum is SO awkward! He’s clearly uncomfortable and avoiding her. I can’t believe she put the whole story of their one, singular night together out on the table. But then again, if you talk about something SO MUCH, it’s bound to come out to this group.

 

At this point I’m changing my opinion of loving her to thinking she just needs to leave. Like girl, what exactly did you come for??
—————————————–
*GIRLS WHO SAT AT THE MANSION ALL WEEK:

 

Rachel Dallas Lawyer – Didn’t get a date this week, but I’m not concerned. She did get the first impression rose after all.

Dominique – I have nothing to say.

Whitney – I couldn’t even pick you out of crowd.


*BYE FELICIA – WHO WENT HOME:

Liz Stalker Vegas Girl From The Past! – While I’m sad to see my one of my fave nicknames of the bunch leave, I think it was probably for the best. I mean, can we talk about those crazy eyes? NOT a good sign.

ice cube get out friday movie bye felicia

We do want a “dramatic season”…not an absolute shit show. This move shows Nick might be more serious than some of these girls are giving him credit for. Then again, why is this his fourth time??

She talked about the first night her and Nick met so much that we were all sick of it and ready for her to take her one-song show out of the Bach Mansion.

Also, if any of these girls are going to leave because of an ex-hookup that they happened to run into? Good leave, we don’t need you here. People hookup with people before they meet their spouse. You’ve done it too, so calm TF down. K? Cool.

ABC Network episode 2 abc nick the bachelor

Plus…NO rose ceremony? And Bama lost? Not an ideal Monday, but that’s what The Bach does…keeps us on the edge of our seats.

Until next week….

ABC Network abc nick premiere the bachelor

nicknames / what did we get ourselves into? | bach week 1 recap

nick

The Bachelor is back and I’m happy to say that I’m SO much more pumped for this season than last. Maybe it’s because I was still dabbling with the show at this time last year? Or maybe Ben was not someone I could see myself being interested in? Either way, my excitement for last season cannot compare with the pure joy I felt when I tuned in on Monday night.

The first ep of the season is always somewhat of a shit show and this one did not disappoint. While I attempted to take notes on every girl that exited a limo, it got to a point where they all blended together. Hellloooo red dresses.

(If I go on this show I’m def going to make my own dress out of a Snuggie. Don’t think we didn’t notice how long the first night went on producers. I saw those girls leave at sunrise and I’m allll about a mid-party nap.)

The show began with that obnoxious backstory about Nick, his “journey for love” and optimistic “Fourth time’s the charm!” rhetoric. If I had been on this show three times before, I probably would just give up and go start a tequila company. Or just sell it on Instagram. Additionally, if I were one of these girls I would wonder why Nick has been rejected…twice.

Next we had some mingling, some drinking, some Nick-stealing and crazy already starting to appear. It made me giddy like Christmas morning and we hadn’t even had a Rose Ceremony yet, which came next.

To be honest, I don’t pay attention to ALL of the girls for the first couple weeks. There are too many and I’m not trying to get emotionally invested in someone who’s leaving right away.

That being said, I don’t feel confident enough in my bracket to present a Top Four – I haven’t even made my final four picks on my Bach Fantasy League yet (yeah, I know) – but I will present you with the girls I put under the  “YES” category aka the “they will remain on the show long enough for their baggage and drama-causing tendencies to appear” category.

YES:

Rachel – Dallas Lawyer – Love her! She’s strong, independent AND she got the FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE! YASS! The connection between the two was palpable at first sight and their chemistry is going to be AMAZING. However, she’s not my top pick. Which brings me to…

Vanessa – Canada #1, Special Needs Teacher This girl is amazing and I think she’s there for the right reasons (lol – I definitely would not be, but whatever) I appreciate her for being everything I am not. She’s compassionate, heartfelt and speaks French, Italian and English. Ok. She’s my top pick for the whole shebang and word on the street is she’s the front-runner.

Liz – Stalker Vegas Girl From The Past!  I think Nick might be slightly butt-hurt over her and wants to see where it will go. I predict she goes “Vegas-Crazy,” which I am looking forward to.

Corinne – Princess Nanny Girl A 25 year old “business owner” with a NANNY. SHE. STILL. HAS. A. NANNY. The Princess will stick around forever AND be the first to put out. She annoys me, but I appreciate her aggressiveness. This is going to be goooood. But in all honestly, please go home.

Josephine -Psycho Wiener Girl The following is what I wrote about this girl: 24, Santa Cruz, Nursing Student, CRAZY BITCH. I think that covers it all.

Dominique – – She has no nickname yet because I don’t even remember meeting her, but apparently I liked her. Stay tuned.

Hailey – With The Good Joke, Canada #2 – I loved her “girls with no underwear” joke so much that I practically spit out my wine. Which rarely happens. That is all.

Alexis – MOTHAFUCKIN DOLPHIN SHARK – Alexis is from Jersey and doesn’t understand the difference between a shark and a dolphin. But that doesn’t matter because she seems like an absolute blast. I love a Jersey girl who gets drunk and jumps in the pool on the first night. So, like, same. I also noted that she has a “cute dog”. Also winner of:

*Best Job Title – “Aspiring Dolphin Trainer”

Taylor – Maybe Stop Talking? – A Johns Hopkins educated Mental Health Counselor. (LORD KNOWS this show could use a few of those.) She lives in Seattle and she seemed smart until…SHE TOLD HIM THAT HER FRIENDS HATE HIM. *Pro Tip: Don’t say that when you first meet him. Don’t say that ever. Maybe Stop Talking?

Sarah- Sneakers – entered by saying that she was “another runner up”. Love her sense of humor.

Danielle M – Quiet Tennessee She grew on me as the episode went on, but I’m not sure how long she will last. Maybe Nick needs a quieter girl to balance out his ego. And she’s a nurse so if he pulls a muscle while working out she could probably take care of the issue. Or would he need an athletic trainer for that? IDK. *Side Note: It took 87% of this episode for me to figure out her actual, given name.

Raven – Arkansas – Raven is 25. Raven is from Arkansas and owns a clothing boutique. Raven is as southern as they come. I want to bring her to Vegas and party with her. Oh, and I’m guessing she’ll be Top 10.

Danielle L – L’Nails – She owns three nail salons which is cool. I honestly got so confused since there are two of them. Carry on…

My Favorites:

Rachel Dallas Lawyer, Vanessa Canada #1, Liz Stalker Vegas Girl From The Past!, Alexis MOTHAFUCKIN DOLPHIN SHARK, Taylor Maybe Stop Talking?, Sarah Sneakers, Raven Arkansas, Danielle M Quiet Tennessee, Danielle L’Nails

 

WHO I’M UNSURE OF:

Christen, Astrid, Elizabeth W, Jasmine G, Christina, Whitney, Jamie, Brittany

*None of these girls have nicknames yet. Please stay tuned.*

WHO WENT HOME:

I honestly have no idea. I’m a terrible recap-er. But at this point does it really mater??

FINAL FOUR:

Rachel

Vanessa

Liz Stalker Vegas Girl From The Past!

No Clue Yet

*Conclusions:

1. This is going to be a very sexual season. Brace yourselves because these girls (and Nick) reaaalllllyyy like sex. Really. Nick even wants to give America a “happy ending”…need I say more?

2. I can’t wait to see what Liz Stalker Vegas Girl From The Past! says and does. Plus how Nick will handle all that jazz. And by “jazz” I mean “Vegas-Crazy.”

3. Why is Chris Soules still appearing and giving advice? Wasn’t he the terrible one? Correct me if I’m wrong.

4. Maybe the reason I started out disliking Nick so much is because our dating lives look eerily similar. Hmm.

 

It’s going to be one hell of a season and I’m so relieved that I get to watch it from the comfort of my couch, portable phone charger and wine glass in hand. : )

Until next time Bach Nation,

 

phot0: e! online / gif: giphy

4th time’s the charm? | BACHELOR IS BACK!

nick-viall-the-bachelor-promo-1479222497-compressed
this photo makes me nauseous

In case you didn’t know this about me, I have a confession:

I, Jessica Lynn Oneida, am a member of Bachelor Nation. I go to Spin on Monday nights and then rush home to make a protein smoothie and pour a glass of wine. I grab my portable phone charger and my laptop. All so I can watch, review and live tweet this beautifully chaotic disaster of a TV show.

One of my roommates in college introduced me to the show. We watched during the guy that looked like Francine from Arthur’s season. For real.

Then I kind of forgot about the show until last January when I picked it back up again. I found myself avoiding social media on Monday afternoons so as to not ruin the episode and then eagerly live tweeting the show when it finally aired on the West Coast.

I made new Twitter follower friends by just using the Bachelor hashtags. It was fun, it was cool and it was a way for me to forget about the stresses of my job.

By the end of that season, I was hooked and of course tuned in for Jojo’s Bachelorette season and Bachelor in Paradise. BIP is where I was first introduced our new Bachelor, Nick Viall.

Sure, he’s cute, but is he really Bachelor material? In my opinion, no. Why? Because I’m over the fact that this is his fourth go in a Bachelor-franchise show and he’s still here. I was hoping for a Robbie or a Luke Bachelor season, but from observation I’ve learned that Nick is a clear Bachelor fave. And of course my trash, reality withdrawals have set in so you know I’ll be tuning in! Such is life.

I haven’t done any prior research into the contestants this year so this will have to suffice as my “preview” piece. But you can bet that I will post a reaction/recap of the premiere on Wednesday.

(Tomorrow I’m doing a link up post with Helene in Between to recap my fave music of 2016!!)

Congratulations Bachelor Nation! We made it! It’s time! Come join me on Twitter (@jessica_oneida), I’ll be live tweeting as much as I can!

 

*photo from: US WEEKLY