the sexual politics of linkedin | cube chronicles #2

public speaking? understandable. but, like, how do you know that i excel in the microsoft office package?

I think we can all agree that dating in today’s society is one grand adventure. Or shit show, but I like to begin things on a positive note so let’s go with “grand adventure.”

Between Tinder, Bumble, Raya, Instagram, Twitter and Snapchat DMs, it’s a much different world than we used to know. No more playing Capture The Flag with the neighborhood kids on summer nights and daring each other to kiss boys at the park. Sigh, the 90’s were so pure, so magical. No wonder chokers are back. Anyway…

I was talking to my bff Ashley (Nugget) about this new sensation that I began to take notice of recently:

“LinkedIn Stalking”

Guys, is this adulting? It sure as hell feels like it might be.

Our convo was all too juicy to NOT share. So let’s get into it…

LinkedIn stalking: when people you’ve dated, hooked up with, met in a bar on a night out, get your contact info and add you (aka stalk you) via LinkedIn.

Now, when you meet these random boys out at bars they may get your number, they may add you on Snap-a-roo, but they DEFINITELY find you on LinkedIn.

This would be a really beneficial tactic to ensure the person you’re talking to isn’t just a bum looking for a free ride as you climb the career ladder. However, LinkedIn brought the thing that we all secretly wished for on all of our other socials but definitely now regret to life. The “who viewed my profile” feature.

J: “Today I get on LinkedIn and I love that it tells you who looks at your profile because it informed me that PERSON A is now LinkedIn stalking me.”

Snapchat letting us know who viewed our story and giving us a “legit” reason to casually drunk Snap message any certain person is somehow acceptable (but, like, thank God that it is.) At the same time, it may be viewed as a little creepy if we LinkedIn Stalk the same person to make sure they still work for that prestigious company (and if they got promoted!)

A: “Let’s be professionally dysfunctional now because that’s the mature thing to do at this age.”

We concluded it’s hilarious that casual flings, dates, and random bar encounters add us on LinkedIn and then proceed to stalk us.

A: “What do they think I’m gonna do? Endorse them for a firm but gentle boob grip?”

Good question Nugg, good question. Talk about some “Hands-on experience.” (This is where the LinkedIn double entendres started and have not stopped. Be prepared.)

J: “Since it’s no longer socially acceptable to post passive aggressive song lyrics on FB, we might as well passive aggressively be professionally associated so that when I climb the ladder they (random dude in that random bar) can reach out for an employment op.” (Glass ceiling who?)

Our wheels started turning and at this point, we had a full-on analysis at hand.

A: “And maybe it’s so that they can use us as references for other girls they date? Like, ‘hey I shacked up with this girl back in the day and she’s an educated executive now so obviously I’m worth a shot.'”

And all those Gmail notifications. All. Of. Them.

“PERSON A has endorsed you on LinkedIn! Skill: ‘Extremely personable.’

‘Willing to roll up his sleeves and get his hands dirty.’

‘Team Player.’

‘Able to think quickly during high pressure situations.'”

See what we’re getting at here?

Not only is LinkedIn Stalking taking over my Gmail Social Folder, I’m beginning to think about my profile when I should be interacting with actual humans out in the actual world.

J:Ā “Random bar boy #2 told me my accent was good so I figured that allowed me to put French with an ‘elementary proficiency’ on my LinkedIn profile.”

A: “Oooo put it as a skill I’ll endorse that shit…Bilingual”

J: “Works well with multi-cultural and diverse groups of people”

A: “At the same time….During a foursome”

So you see…we’ve entered a whole new world – minus the magic carpet. That boy or girl you meet in a bar may just find you on LinkedIn and repeatedly look at your profile. But at least they might endorse you for something cool! Like, hands on experience! Or something they have no clue your proficiency in, like me and my one college semester of French!

Facebook stalking remains the tried and true, ultimate stealth move so don’t fret there. Insta stalking causes anxiety of whether you’ll accidentally (or drunkenly) like that photo from 143 weeks ago. Twitter stalking is a rabbit hole in which you might accidentally retweet something (hi, been there. But, like, sorry you’re clever?)

LinkedIn stalking is the new way to say “Hey, I’m stalking you, but I’m actually an adult.” I guess, sometimes.

If I meet you in a bar and you find me on LinkedIn, at least endorse me for something cool. That will make up for all the profile views in the last 6 days.

With love and LinkedIn notifications,

Two very high functioning and professional adults

 

Dear Linda…We Need To Talk | Cube Chronicles #1

the phone in question…

By popular demand I bring you my trials, struggles and stories from behind the 3 1/2 walls of my office cube. Stay tuned, there’s some weird ones.

Introducing the inaugural “Cube Chronicles”: my issue with Linda


Dear Linda – whoever tf you are,

Hi there. I hope all is well for you this holiday season. My wish is that you have found all the necessary accessories to allow your gift-giving to go swimmingly. 2016 was a wacko year for all, and my prayer is that yours was only ridiculous and not tragic.

But here’s the deal…we need to talk.

Apparently you used to sit at my desk, or, possess the phone number that is now associated with my office phone. For that reason, I feel like we have a connection. I also feel that we are now close enough for me to ask you one question.

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO?!

Seriously, what did you do? Why are insurance collectors, insurance sellers and random unknown numbers calling my desk asking for you by name? Why do they desperately plead with me to put you on the phone and/or give up your location? Why are your bad decisions and unfortunate life experiences catching up to me when all I’m trying to do is entice tourists to come to Vegas so they can buy me free drinks…I mean help the local economy. Whatever.

This has been a ritual I’ve experienced at least three times per week for the last six months. Always an unexplained call from a strange Midwest number looking for “Linda”. Not to mention the confusion from the otherside of the phone when I a) am not Linda or b) have no idea about Linda’s whereabouts.

Maybe the better question is: What did I do in a past office life to deserve this? Did past me make loud, personal calls daily? I could see it from a past me, a stupid me. Either way, I’m confused.

Tell me baby girl, cuz I need to know.

I wanna know, I wanna know – where do we go, where do we go from here?

I don’t want to be sold insurance and I don’t want to be called in as a witness to an FBI investigation. If you needed someone to drive the getaway car or cover for you, you should have just Instagram’d me or arranged a secret meet up in a bar like they do in Ocean’s Eleven. Shit, even a carrier pigeon would have been easier.

So, would the real LINDA please stand up? That would be greeeeaaaatt.

Maybe you don’t know what you did. Maybe you woke up in an alternate universe and your phone is missing. Maybe you just really suck at changing your address. Regardless, I hope you see this and I hope you can get your life together so I don’t keep getting yelled at by this private investigator disguised as an insurance salesman.

Linda, I don’t need to be your friend…I just need answers.

Sincerely,

Distraught in the second cubicle from the back