the thing they don’t tell you about being an adult….

“If you want to change your life then change it” – Liz Steers, a pilates teacher at TruFusion

“Life is a grand adventure or nothing at all” – Patricio, my dad

“Change your apartment. Change the world.” – Jeff Goldblum, the forever sexy spokesman for apartments.com

Those are just a small number of quotes regarding the ebbs and flows  of life and the changes and decisions we all make.

As a child I used to think that when you’re an adult you find a city, a house, a job, a boy and a dog and you live that life forever. That, as an adult, you have it all figured out. You have the most basic elements nailed down so that you are free to go off and have adventures and never make big, scary decisions every again! Whee!

What I was not made aware of, however, is that life throws you curveballs. The city starts to feel small and cramped and stale. The house needs renovations or your neighbors turn out to be creepy meth dealers. The company changes and your job is no longer fulfilling or exciting. The boy runs away to find something better. The dog gets run over by a truck and you aren’t made aware until 15 years later when your parents accidentally spill the beans and all along you thought she ran away. (True story, except it was my cat Mimi and I am forever turned off by cats.)

John Mayer sings about a quarter life crisis in his beautiful song, “Why Georgia” and if I told you I never purposely missed the exit to my house on the way home I would be a liar.

Lately, I’ve been feeling a pull to do something different in life. What is that new and different thing you ask? If I’m being honest I can’t decide or I can’t figure it out. I feel like Tony Soprano when he’s in a coma and everyone keeps thinking he’s a different person. (Only fresh in my mind because I just watched that episode.)

I’ve had actual dreams about going back to school, finding new jobs, looking into new industries, attending different trainings and pursuing new cities. On a weekly basis. And yes, it is as exhausting as it sounds to dream this much and this intensely. My brother, who claims to never dream, always asks me how I get any sleep. The truth is, I don’t really know if I do. Frankly, I’ve always been the kind of person who wants to explore all the things and do all the adventuring. I love learning new things and crave fresh information in my mind.

They call it the paradox of choice. The idea that you have so many options in this world that it has the ability to paralyze you into not choosing any. But then if you don’t make a choice, you run the risk of always wondering “what if.” You could potentially stay stuck in the same, safe place for the rest of your life never venturing out to the unknown.

In doing some of my beloved Googling in order to correctly communicate this term, I have learned that there is a book and a TED Talk about this. Did I stop writing to bookmark the TED Talk and look for the audiobook in my local library via the Libby app? You betcha. The only reason I didn’t stop to watch the video is because my pull to write this post is so strong.

Sometimes I get these writing pulls and I just have to stop and write whatever it is down. It’s this crazy desire to just get these words out of my head. I’ve always been a writer. I have embarassing songs and poems and pieces of prose in journals and the family computer at my parents’ house in Idaho. I beg my mother not to go through them because I was such an emo child. But if I’m being honest, I’m a pretty emo adult, I just hide it better now. I’m a Pisces moon and rising sign which explains a lot.

Anyway, back to the paradox of choice of it all. I guess I wanted to get this out tonight because lately I’ve been feeling a need for something new. A change of sorts. And I’ve felt wrong or weird because I’m not one of these adults who can just sit at the same desk for 45 years but also can’t seem to make a plan or a decision. I’ve had people tell me “it’s just a phase”, “you’ll get over it”, “it’ll pass.”

You know what I say to that? IT’S NOT A PHASE MOM. Truly, my rebellious phase is still kicking strong and I can’t stop it. IDK if I WANT to stop it.

So I guess I’m coming on here tonight to say that if you feel this way too, it’s okay. I’ve gotchu and maybe we can talk about it? We’re not all meant to do the same thing. How boring would life be if we were all the same people doing the same things and having the same opinons? It would suck the joy right out of living. It would take the excitement out of life. And what would happen to that grand adventure Patricio is talking about!?

Life isn’t always as bright as festival, or as relaxing as a palm/pool/adult beverage Instagram. Sometimes it’s just plain confusing and a blog (well, my blog at least) is supposed to be honest, real and transparent. And right now even though I had planned to write up my edc 2019 recap, I’m sitting here writing this because it’s what is real and honest at this moment.

(Having to use “write” and “right” in that last sentence was a true test of my knowledge of the English language.)

The doors are open as I sit here, it just began to rain and I feel all the pent up anxiety rushing away from my heart and brain. I even worked out before this and that didn’t do much. I guess I needed to just sit down and write it out because, as I learned on a park bench in Spain at the age of 21, I am a writer – and it took me up until that point to admit that to myself – and up until this point to acknowledge it publicly without shame.

Maybe I’m just indulging myself and writing this all down to make me feel better. But maybe, hopefully, I’m not alone. If you feel like the future is hairy, scary then you are not alone. One step at a time, one day at a time, we will all figure this out. So I’ll leave you with these reminders:

“If you want to change your life then change it” – Liz Steers, a pilates teacher at TruFusion

“Life is a grand adventure or nothing at all” – Patricio, my dad

“Change your apartment. Change the world.” – Jeff Goldblum, the forever sexy spokesman for apartments.com

Author: Jess

Las Vegas local / writer, creator, festival goer, explorer, marketer, promoter, special event & experience curator

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