So your team just got knocked out of playoff contention. Welcome! It’s a long road to the season opener. It’s a long road to preseason. Hell, it’s gonna take forever to even see a schedule and ticket link posted (TAKE MY MONEY!). And we embrace you and your stress, anxiety, sadness, frustration and hangovers with open arms. All of it.
I myself have been hockey-less for exactly one week now. We all know why and I promise after Thursday I’ll move on. At least publicly. And since I couldn’t find the desire to watch any of the other playoff series (until last night), I have discovered a plethora of things to do when there is no hockey.
And maybe dear friend and fellow mourner, you can find a way through the hockey-less night. Winter is here and so is five months of torture.
1. Adopt the next opponent of the team who knocked you out. Proceed to cheer and chirp ruthlessly. Maybe you make some friends. Maybe you discover a great new local bar. If they lose, don’t worry in a week you can deny you ever supported them – unless of course you posted about it online. And if they win, well, maybe you are the team’s new good luck charm.
2. Talk. All. The. Shit. While I’ve personally tried to contain my frustration beyond the night of Game 7, I’m not perfect. Talking shit on Twitter is fun, but honestly it all just leaves you with a pit hours later as you’re lying in bed, staring out the window at 2am trying to get some sleep. Like I said above, I’m almost done. And hey! Pits can make you feel more alive! Or something…
3. Make yourself useful and register to vote. I’m being so serious.
4. Pick a lesser-known conspiracy theory, learn everything about, become obsessed and annoy your friends all summer with the finite details and your own conclusions. At least they won’t hear about that stupid ref or that stupid team or that stupid sport. Keep them on their toes and give them a new reason to be concerned about you.
5. Buy a piggybank and start recouping your savings after spending it all on tickets, merch and beers. Bonus points if you can collect on a bet or find your friend’s spare change in the couch cushions. Depending on your city, you or may not want to look for nickels on the ground. In my case, we’ll be leaving the street money on the street.
6. Go to the gym and sweat off all the aforementioned playoff beers. Yeah you know that building that takes an absurd amount of your paycheck every month so you can go inside and better yourself? Pay it a visit, it misses you. Don’t get huffy, I’m speaking to myself too.
7. This next activity can take place in a variety of places: your front porch – or balcony if you live in an apartment, a park bench, the atrium at the mall, downtown, standing on top of the steps to the largest or most notable establishment in your city, perched on the fence in front of the Bellagio Fountains as security screams at you to get down from the speakers. Anyway, the activity – you will be screaming at everyone who walks by about how your team got screwed and NEXT YEAR is YOUR. TEAM’S. YEAR.
8. Volunteer at a local charity. Again, make yourself useful.
9. Try harder at work. You know there’s some report that’s missing a significant amount of information. Now you can complete the report and not have to worry about missing the pregame Facebook Live interviews.
10. Write a letter to the league about that bullshit call by a jerk off ref due to a dumbass rule. Or an email. Or a Tweet. Or MULTIPLE Tweets. (I know, it’s almost over, welcome to my pain).
11. Throw your TV out the window – you won’t need it anyway! – so you don’t have to hear any more whistles, buzzers or goal horns. This is a highly irrational activity so you better have a damn good reason for it. I will not be doing this because a. I still have Real Housewives of New York to watch and b. If I throw my TV out the window it will land on someone’s Range Rover and I am not in a place to be owing anyone a million dollars (#SorryFofty).
12. Call your Mother. Seriously, she’s worried.
13. Finally you can do what this guy did. A picture is worth a thousand words and this one says it all… #VGKWorldwide